It's Wednesday and I just got back from dialysis and I am staying alive. In two days, I will go for another dialysis treatment...so I can stay alive.
This is my main objective these days...stay alive.
This has been one of the biggest psychological adjustments to dialysis.
I have gotten so used to remedial treatments.
My back is sore so I go to the chiropractor. After a few treatments, my back is better.
I have a toothache so I go to the dentist. After she does her work, my mouth is no longer in pain.
I go to the gym and I get in shape.
Dialysis is a different cup of tea. I go to dialysis so that I can make it a couple more days so that I can go to dialysis so that I can make it a couple more days so that I can go to dialysis...
When the reality of that first hit me, I felt myself being overwhelmed with discouragement. It was like the ultimate dead end job.
But slowly I am adjusting. I'm beginning to understand that dialysis is more like breathing. I just turned 48. That means I have taken around 400 million breaths in my lifetime. You'd think that after all those breaths I would be good to go for a while. But if I stop for even three minutes, I die. Ultimately, I breathe so that I can live so that I can breathe so that I can live...
You know, i used to make goals that furthered my fame or my future or my fancy. Not so much these days. Now my focus has been reduced (maybe refined is a better word...more of a positive bent to it). Now my goal is to stay alive.
This is a strange situation to be in. It takes a little getting used to. That's dialysis.
But, it's Wednesday. I just had dialysis. I am staying alive. All in all a pretty successful week.
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